


POLIMORF

by Broba



Category: Homestuck, Red Dwarf
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Crossover, Other, horrifying slathering death-beasts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-22
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-05 17:17:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1826065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broba/pseuds/Broba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kinkmeme prompt!</p><p>In a plot that owes a liberal amount to British TV series Red Dwarf, the trolls find themselves beign methodically stalked by a horrifying genertic abberation- a creature capable of devouring the emotions of others for sustenance....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Deep in the veil, aboard an asteroid that had never been intended to act as shelter, home and safe harbour, two trolls had just broken something important.  
  
Vriska and Tavros hadn't intended on spending the day exploring. When Tavros had announced that he was going to go and investigate the strange laboratories full of twisted, ancient experiments in case there was anything there that they could use, the others had just waved him on his way without a second thought. Only Vriska had decided to tag along, and apparently the only reason she had done so was in order to annoy Tavros constantly.  
  
As he stomped his way along the winding paths and corridors of the asteroid laboratory, metal legs clanging on the deckplates, Tavros quickly lost track of where he was going thanks to the constant whining and deprecation from Vriska.  
“Ta-a-a-avros,” she sneered, “I'm bored, why are you so boring?”  
They were walking through a secluded section filled with enormous glass tubes filled with unmentionable things floating in fluid. Horrible, darkling creatures of spines and suckers and tentacles that looked, if not dead then quiescent.  
“I don't know what you, uh, expect from me really,” Tavros said quietly, “I'm not really very, you know, entertaining.”  
“Yeah whatever,” she pushed him in the back playfully, “I noticed. Urrgh! What are we even here for? All this stuff is junk!”  
“Some of it might be useful. You never know what kind of stuff we might find in here.”  
“Yeah I do. Junk. Useless, worthless junk,” she shoved him again and snorted, “no wonder you like it down here, clanky.”  
“Vriska, I don't think-”  
“Clanky clanky!” Vriska cackled, “you're a walking piece of junk yourself!”  
“That's really very-”  
“I'll leave you down here to rot with all the rest of the dumb, worthless, stupid crap in this place.”  
  
That tore it. Tavros wheeled on her, determined to remonstrate in no uncertain terms and give Vriska a piece of his mind. He was interrupted by a massive crack of glass however, as one of his horns caught the side of a glass tube and splintered it. They both looked up in horror as viscous fluid shot out from between the cracks, accompanied by an ominous crackling. The two trolls glanced at each other for a moment, and then ran. Behind them the tube shattered completely, exploding in gouts of foul-smelling liquid and glass shards. Something large, wet and heavy flopped onto the floor and rolled over. Vriska was already half way down the corridor and accelerating by now, and Tavros could hear her cackling. He shot around the entrance to the laboratory and paused to catch his breath. There seemed to be no danger, now, so he relaxed. Around his ankles the preservative fluid that had been released by the accident was pooling and gathering, the whole laboratory room was flooded in it. There was a soft wet pop, followed by the sound of footsteps moving slowly and deliberately through the fluid. Tavros steadied himself and clasped the wall for support. He could hear the pounding rush of blood in his ears and his throat was bone-dry with fear. He slowly edged closer to the empty doorway to the flooded laboratory from where the sound of footsteps was coming. Dreading what he might find yet consumed with grim curiosity Tavros glanced around the doorframe.  
  
Tavros blinked in surprise, and stood up straight in the doorway. Vriska was approaching him, careless of the liquid splashing around her ankles.  
“Vriska? But you-” Tavros frowned and looked behind him. Vriska had run off ahead of him, he was certain of it. He looked back at Vriska, who despite all logic was standing in front of him.  
“I thought you ran away, uh, Vriska?”  
“No,” she said, “I've always been here.”  
  
Tavros was suddenly illuminated by a baleful red glow, as Vriska's features warped, flowed and changed. A horrible sucker-tipped appendage thrust out of the boiling mass in front of him and attached to his forehead, as the being began to feed.  
  
When Tavros woke up he felt different, somehow. His head hurt. He raised a hand and touched his forehead, which tingled slightly. He slowly registered that he was laying in his back in an inch-deep pool of foul-smelling preservative fluid. Tavros sat up and looked down at himself. He didn't seem injured in any way. He shrugged and got up.  
“I need to clean up,” he said to himself vaguely, “then I'll fuck bitches. Yeah.”  
Tavros turned without a second thought and strode out of the laboratory.  
  
Back in the control centre of the asteroid alarms were sounding and various screens filled with scary-looking information informed the trolls that something was, for want of a better word, a little bit amiss. Awry, if you will.  
“What the fuck is going on?” Karkat roared, “can you shut off that fucking noise?”  
“Working on it,” Sollux yelled over the racket. He was typing furiously while the others became in turns agitates and truculent. Stressful situations did not suit their temperaments, and the group was rapidly descending into anarchy as everyone started yelling at once. Abruptly the alarms ceased as Sollux found the right control at last.  
“Okay,” Eridan flounced up to the screen, “punch up a read-out.”  
“What?” Sollux glanced back at him irritably.  
“Punch up a read,” Eridan waved vaguely at the bank of monitors Sollux was working at, “let's see uw-what we got here.”  
“What doeth that even mean?”  
“Everyone knows uw-what it means uw-when you punch up a read-out, it's uw-when you bring up the... you know the read-out.”  
“You jutht made that up,” said Sollux accusingly, “you jutht now made that up tho you could thound cool.”  
“Look, can you find out uw-what just happened or not?”  
  
Sollux frowned and attended his keyboard. The others gathered around slowly to hear the news.  
“The alarm came from one of the laboratorieth,” Sollux said, “lookth like one of the holding tubeth ruptured and, uh, releathed thomething.”  
Nepeta trilled nervously and grabbed onto Equius' arm, “what kind of something?”  
“Hm, according to thith, uh, read-out it wath an exthperiment that wath locked away, apparently it wath too dangerouth to actually be uthed.”  
  
The main screen flickered into life as a laboratory report from centuries ago lit up. The creature was a polymorphic psychic predator, a creature intended to attack the mind of the enemy directly, but siphoning off emotions for it's own sustenance.  
  
“What's polymorphic mean,” asked Karkat.  
Equius answered him gravely, “it means that it can take on different shapes. It could look like anything, for all we know.”  
“Well. That's fucking wonderful.”  
“Uw-we shouldn't panic,” said Eridan smartly, “uw-we'll have to come up uw-with a plan.”  
“Not panic? That's all you have to say about this fucking situation? Well,” Karkat calmly smoothed down his jumper and cracked his knuckles, “please allow me to make a counter-proposal. I suggest that in fact we do fucking panic immediately in the face of immediate and very fucking painful dismemberment, how's that sit with you?” His voice was rising dangerously now, and they all knew when a tantrum was coming. The other trolls slowly backed away.  
“I uw-was just sayin,'”  
“Oh I know! I get it! Don't panic! How about we all form a fucking fluffy rumpus circle right here and invite the terrifying slathering death-beast to feast on our prone fucking bodies, and get it over with! Huh? Eridan? How about that?”  
  
Sollux interrupted the oncoming rant to interject, “actually, it'th not interethted in eating uth- jutht in devouring our emotionth.”  
“Well how the fuck does that work, anyway?”  
  
From behind them came a firm, confident voice, “quite efficiently, actually.”  
They turned as one to see Tavros standing there. He was wearing a newly alchematized pinstripe suit with sharp, tapered cut to the jacket and dramatically slender trousers.  
As one they all said it, “Tavros?”  
“Yeah,” he produced an apple and bit into it sharply, “that's right.”  
Sollux went to a scientific analysis terminal to retrieve a hand scanner, while Tavros sauntered to the others. He actually slunk across the floor, hips smoothly gyrating with every casually insouciant step. From nowhere in particular came the sound of lilting flamenco guitar as he raised a carefully sculpted eyebrow toward Feferi, who blushed and flustered. He grinned devilishly. Gamzee chuckled throatily and slouched up to him.  
“Hey-y-y-y Tavbro, are you feeling okay? You look a little bit like, not you, yeah?”  
Tavros held up a finger, which Gamzee examined hypnotically.  
“Be quiet, clown,”  
“Yeah but-”  
“Ah!”  
“I don't-”  
“Ah!”  
Gamzee just nodded mutely, and sat down.  
  
Behind Tavros Sollux was waving the hand scanner through the air and looking over the flashing display with some concern.  
“There'th no doubt, he'th met the creature.”  
“What's it done to him,” Nepeta cooed curiously. Tavros winked at her.  
“I'm very bad for you in every way imaginable. Sex. Won't call you later. Make me a sandwich.”  
Nepeta flushed vivid green and Equius stood in front of her with an angry grimace.  
In answer to Nepeta's question Sollux held up the scanner for them all to blink at in confusion.  
“It'th completely removed all of hith doubt.”  
“Wait,” Karkat circled Tavros, glaring at him, “you're saying this is what Tavros is like without any of his normal, healthy doubt?”  
“Yeth, exthactly,”  
“I am going to mate with you,” said Tavros grimly, looking around the room, “and you, and... you.”  
Karkat growled, “Tavros you're being a complete and total- hey, why not me? What the fuck?”  
Tavros smiled wryly, “all right, but with the lights off and you're not allowed to talk.”  
That was when Karkat exploded.  
  
Of course to an imaginary human observing these events it might seem appropriate to point out that doubt is not an emotion. However, such a human would naturally be entirely incorrect, a primary feature of that unworthy species. To a troll, doubt is as much a valid emotion as any of the other three troll emotions. To explain the troll emotional spectrum, picture a grid divided into four squares, each filled with an emotional state. The four emotions naturally complement and oppose each other in a mixture of varied and interesting ways which are in every conceivable manner far superior to the vague meanderings of the primitive human mind.  
  
“Right!” Karkat had finally calmed down enough to speak in actual words. “I am feeling a lot better!”  
“I am not persuaded of this,” announced Equius.  
“I am feeling entirely better, and in fact I would very much like to rejoin upright society now.”  
“I think I will continue to sit on you, for your own good you understand.”  
“I quite understand. That's just great it really is. But I can assure you, and I am not just saying this right now, that I am totally calm here. In fact, I feel more calm now then I think I have done in a long time. So calm.”  
“So I can get off you?”  
“You can get off me.”  
“And you're not going to become... upset?”  
“I am not going to become upset.”  
“Do you promise this?”  
Karkat ground his teeth blunter.  
“Yes,” he said, “I totally promise. It's all good now, we're all going to be fine and no one is every going to get upset again.”  
“I think you're a little upset now,”  
“Equius, if you don't get off me right now, I swear to all the nightmarish hell-creatures of the void that I am going to pull your tubular digestion sacs out of your waste-chute and make them into a jaunty inflatable representation of a barkbeast!”  
“You see, it is statements like that which make me think you're upset.”  
This went on.  
  
Vriska ran, she had forgotten where she was long ago, now she was acting only on instinct. At first it had all been a big joke, seeing the dumbass Tavros break things, and then running away to let him take all the blame- but now she was seriously lost and wondering if in fact she was in real trouble. She had seen weird things she could neither understand or describe, experimental equipment from a forgotten war fought by mad gods. Now she was just running, trying desperately to find some way out.  
“Hey! Hello-o-o?” She called out as she went, “anyone hear me? Come on, give me a break!”  
No one answered her, no one was there. She slowed down and paused for breath in a dark corridor lit only by brief gaps in the weird plunging shadows everywhere.  
  
Vriska was interrupted in her self-pitying musings by the sight of a brightly-coloured plastic beach ball that rolled and bounced around the corner. It was ridiculously jaunty and entirely out of place. She frowned and approached the object cautiously. It was certainly inviting, and a merry burst of colour in the drab surroundings.  
“What's this doing here?”  
She was illuminated by a vivid red glow as the creature explained it to her, through the medium of psychic sucker-attack.  
  
The trolls had gathered in the meeting annexe adjoining the control room, and all now sat around the illuminated chart table which dominated the room. In one corner Tavros was calmly eating a succession of sandwiches that the perplexed Gamzee was fetching obediently for him.  
“Right,” said Karkat, “what weapons have we got?”  
Equius reached behind him and hoisted a large chunk of engineering onto the table with a thud, it looked like nothing so much as a chainsaw with a long tubular protuberance instead of a blade. Equius patted it fondly.  
“We have a brace of these mining bazookoids, used to hollow out the asteroid. Good for short range destructive force, but we'll have to be up close to use them and from what I've seen in the reports it will take a multiple barrage to wound the creature, much less destroy it.”  
“Anything else?”  
“Not much that would harm a being of this nature. Its ability to shift form adaptively to match the environment makes it a lethal, almost unstoppable force.”  
Karkat frowned, “you sound like you admire it.”  
“I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse of delusions of morality.”  
“Well, that's just clearly bullshit right there.”  
“Oh... sorry.”  
  
They were interrupted  by Vriska. She wandered into the room and took a vacant seat at the table.  
“Well,” she said, “I'm sorry for being late, I didn't know we were all meeting up or anything.”  
“Yeah fine,” Karkat grunted, “we're working out what to do about the fucking horrifying monstrosity currently stalking us all.”  
Tavros put down his sandwich and spoke up, “I have an idea- I'll head down to the lower levels, oil up nice and gre-e-e-easy, and make hot, passionate love to it.”  
The others looked at him for a long moment, until it became quite clear to them all that this was, in fact, the entirety of Tavros' idea and there wasn't some devastatingly clever punchline to come.  
  
“So what are we going to do,” Karkat continued.  
“Well, I'm glad you asked that,” Vriska swivelled in her chair, and raised a briar pipe to her lips thoughtfully, “I think we need to ask ourselves- who is really in the wrong here? Now, I understand that a slavering psychotic emotion-vampire creature isn't easy to get along with, but are we really blameless here?”  
  
They stared at her. Karkat snapped his fingers at Sollux, saying, “it's got her, check it out.”  
“Thcanning now,” said Sollux as he scanned.  
“I think the important thing here is that we establish a blame-free culture in order to move forwards pro-actively towards a reasonable solution for all parties,” said Vriska in all seriousness. Sollux checked the results of the scanner and nodded.  
“No doubt about it, the thing thucked out all of her revenge.”  
  
In direct opposition to the troll emotion of doubt sits revenge, which is the natural troll response to practically all emotional stimuli. In fact, the psychological makeup of any troll can be represented by the opposing forces of Doubt and Revenge. A well-adjusted troll is expected to manage their emotions of course, and balance the perfectly normal healthy emotional instinct towards revenge with a healthy leavening of doubt. Certainly to a troll observer, a troll lacking the normal emotion of revenge is a deeply unwell person.  
  
Vriska swivelled in her chair calmly, puffing on the pipe. She had replaced her normal grey shirt with a jacket of sensible and non-confrontational tweed. The elbows had little leather patches.  
“We need to ask ourselves whether we could be doing more to integrate this horrifying killing machine into our group, after all.”  
“She,” said Karkat, “has gone fucking mental. Any opposition? No? Okay, vote carried. I think we can safely ignore this idiot from here on in.”  
Equius spoke up, “we need to kit out four-troll teams with bazookoids and move level to level,”  
“I want to be with Equius!” Nepeta beamed. Equius nodded grimly as though it went without saying.  
Tavros spoke up from the corner, saying, “I will form a unit with my bitches.”  
The others looked at him awkwardly, and then at each other. No one wanted to admit to being one of the trolls that he was referring to.  
“Just,” said Kanaya, “for reference, who were you considering....?”  
Tavros just smiled at her and snapped his fingers to point at her, with a wink. Kanaya stared, blushing a little.  
  
Vriska glanced between them, puffing on her pipe furiously.  
“I think that's quite enough of that sort of thing, not that I wish to pass any kind of value judgement on Tavros' new bitch-harem,”  
“Hey!”  
“HEY!”  
“Hey! Hang on... yeah HEY!”  
“Hey!”  
“Interesting,” continued Vriska, glancing at the trolls who had spoken up briefly, “but I do have an idea I think we should workshop here.”  
“I think at this point we'll try anything,” Karkat groaned.  
“No, maybe I'm being a little forward here, but I want to suggest...” Vriska leaned forward seriously, “a seriously aggressive leaflet campaign.”  
Karkat stared at her. “You are actually fucking kidding me.”  
“No I am not,” replied Vriska calmly, “though it's fine that you think that and I support your choices.”  
“Please stop supporting my choices.”  
“I think the first thing we need,” she continued, “is... a committee.”  
“What the actual fuckery?”  
“Now, excuse me for getting ahead of myself, but on the way here I had a few thoughts about possible committee names.”  
“Is anyone else hearing this? I'm starting to think I'm bleeding inside, somewhere.”  
“So far I've come up with the Board Organising New Exigencies for Breaking Up Long-held General Enmity.”  
  
There was a pause while they all thought about that.  
  
“Of course the one problem there is that the acronym would be B.O.N.E.B.U.L.G.E.”  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Karkat  hefted his bazookoid which hummed ominously with power, showing a full charge on the display. He advanced cautiously, waving behind him for the others to back him up. His team consisted of Sollux, who was still waving around his scanner, Feferi who insisted on following along behind Sollux and Eridan who in turn insisted on going with Feferi. The two seadwellers had been bickering softly under their breaths the whole time in the mistaken belief that no one could head them. Karkat snapped his fingers sharply and the others pulled to a half behind him.  
“Up ahead,” said Karkat, “you see something?”  
“Thomething like what?”  
“I thought I saw something,”  
“Yeth we've ethtablished that, but what did you thee?”  
“I don't know! That's why I'm asking, did you see something?”  
“I dunno, what was it you thaw?”  
“I! DON'T! KNOW!”  
“Then how am I thopothed to know if I thaw the thame thing you thaw, if I don't know whether what I thaw wath what you thaw?”  
“A-HA!” Karkat wiggled a finger in mad triumph accusingly, “you DID see something!”  
“Uhm, KK? I think you're going a little thtrange.”  
“Huh,” Karkat lowered his finger slowly, “maybe you're right.”  
“Why don't we take a break, thettle down a little?”  
“Sure, sure, I just need to catch my breath and think.”  
  
Karkat walked over to a mint condition eighteenth century chaise-lounge with a silk upholstered backrest in peach and goldenrod thread and mahogany legs that happened to be over in the corner. It had been a long, difficult day and they had all had enough of tramping through ancient laboratory complexes with heavy weapons hunting down a horrifying polymorphic hell-beast intent on feeding upon them.  
  
Eridan looked over and frowned, “uh, Kar?”  
“What?”  
“Uw-what's that you're sitting on?”  
  
Karkat looked down slowly, and then looked up again at the others who were staring at him aghast.  
  
“I'm sitting on it, aren't I?”  
  
There was a violent red glow that blinded them all for a moment, and the last thing Karkat remembered seeing was a long slimy tentacle-like thing with a suckered tip lancing out toward his forehead.  
  
While this was going on, Tavros was advancing along a separate corridor, flanked by Nepeta, Equius and Terezi. For her part, Terezi insisted in carrying a bazookoid of her own despite the fact that she had no chance of actually aiming it. They were all made very nervous about the way that she would swing it around merrily as she walked. All except Tavros- he didn't have the slightest doubt in the plan at all. He no longer doubted anything.   
  
Both Nepeta and Terezi were somewhat unsettled by the change in Tavros. It was surreal to see him swaggering ahead at the lead of the team, boldly kicking down doors and issuing orders. The two girls had immediately followed after him when he had announced that he was going, and Equius had grimly insisted on going along as a chaperone. Tavros didn't seem to care, and whenever he moved the lilting strains of flamenco guitar seemed to follow him around.  
“Next room,” Tavros announced, punching the wall-panel to open the door, “let's go!”  
Equius bristled visibly, “you should not just open doors until we have organised a proper arc of covering fire, this is foolhardy.”  
  
Tavros hesitated, and turned around slowly, glaring up- and up- at Equius.  
“What was that?”  
“I was pointing out the flaws in your strategy, this is clearly not a task that you are suited for, and the fact that we are following a low-blooded troll is, frankly, unacceptably lewd.”  
“C'mere,”  
“What?”  
“Come here, big fella.” Tavros beckoned to him and Equius advanced warily.  
“What is it?”  
“You think you're better at leading this little shin-dig, hey?”  
“You are clearly not yourself, you are not thinking clearly.”  
In fact Tavros was not thinking clearly at all. His mind was fizzing and bubbly with possibilities. He could do anything, he could be anything. There were no limits to his abilities and they would all see that, soon. He had no doubt.  
“Look at me.”  
“Why?”  
“Take off your glasses and look at me.”  
“I don't think... uh...”  
Tavros just waited patiently, staring up at him. Slowly, Equius reached up with damp fingers to remove his glasses. He looked down at Tavros uncomfortably.  
“Look at me.”  
“Uhm,”  
“Look at me in the eye.”  
“I... uh...”  
Tavros leaned up slowly on his tiptoes, rising up against Equius' firm chest, and spoke quietly.  
“Don't vex me, yeah?”  
  
There was only silence. Equius gave what might have been the most infinitesimal shadow of a nod, and Tavros patted him on the cheek amiably before turning away.  
“Right then! On we go- bitches! Assemble!”  
  
Nepeta nudged Terezi gently and leaned over to whisper.  
“I've never seen him like this, it's so weird!”  
“I know,” Terezi licked her lips, “I kind of like it!”  
“Seriously?”  
“You don't?”  
“Well, I mean, um,” Nepeta was blushing again.  
“Come on,” Terezi hissed, “you don't want to keep him waiting, do you? He might spank you.”  
Nepeta raised a trembling hand to her lips thoughtfully as the others marched on.  
“He... he might?”  
  
Elsewhere again in the laboratory complex, Gamzee shouldered open a rusted portal and the others walked through after him. Kanaya had followed along after him, as much to keep an eye on Gamzee as anything else, and Vriska thought it only best that she tag along, and Aradia brought up the rear. She had only tagged along because Karkat was being noisy and Tavros was clearly insufferable, so that left her few options. She shouldered her bazookoid and resolved to make the best of it.  
“Looks empty,” Gamzee noted, lazily glancing around the old, dead laboratory, “ain't no nothin' here anyways.”  
“We don't know that,” said Kanaya, “it could have turned into anything, keep looking.”  
Gamzee sighed and rolled his eyes, but went along with her and looked around. “Sure thing, boss.”  
  
Behind them, Vriska was aimlessly nudging things with the tip of her bazookoid when Aradia sidled up to her.  
“So. Vriska.”  
“Yes, dear?”  
“You don't feel any revenge? Not even a little?”  
“No, and to be honest it's very liberating.”  
Vriska was refilling her pipe with tobacco, thumbing it down into the bowl before replacing the pipe between her lips.  
“Matches, matches, matches,” she recited as she patted the pockets of her tweed jacket, in a ritual as old as time itself.  
“I think I know what you mean, when I was dead I stopped worrying about these things, too.”  
“Really? That's nice.”  
“I mean, I didn't exactly forget, it's not like all the stuff between us never happened.”  
“Mm, quite, quite. Certainly when I was murdering people to feed a gigantic spider-lusus I must have rubbed a few people the wring way I imagine.”  
Vriska struck a match and puffed on her pipe solemnly, squeezing Aradia's arm in order to signal to her that she was paying close attention in a supportive but non-judgemental capacity.  
  
Aradia stared at her. It was true, it was really true, Vriska was feeling no healthy emotion of revenge at all. She was calm, pleasant, thoughtful and quiet.  
  
It was really starting to get on her tits.  
  
“You know, there's a few things I've been wanting to say for a long time,” Aradia said cooly.  
“That's nice dear,”  
“For a start, I think you should know-”  
“One moment, there's a dear,” Vriska turned around and wandered over to Gamzee and Kanaya, who had started to bicker with each other.  
  
“Gamzee! Stop being so...  you! For a moment! We need to focus!” Kanaya hissed.  
“Aw c'mon, you're really getting all worked up over this.”  
“I know! This is a serious situation!”  
“Yeah, well I haven't had anythin' to eat in ages. That's a pretty serious situation I got goin' on here too.”  
“No one cares about your stupid pies, we're not stopping for pies!”  
  
Vriska puffed on her pipe furiously and threw her arms around the two arguing trolls, drawing them into a safe space of personal intimacy on a communicative level.  
“Now what's happening here? Some kind of conflict in need of resolution?”  
Kanaya groaned, “really? You're doing this now?”  
Gamzee just grinned, “I think it's nice that spiderbabe is bein' less up tight. Getting up tight only makes you all stressed, and that leads to anxiousness.”  
“Those are all the same things! You stupid clown!”  
She coughed discreetly at the sudden emergence of a cloud of smoke which was by now following Vriska around habitually.  
“I want you both to know I hear what you're saying,” said Vriska calmly, “and I think this is a wonderful opportunity engage in a meaningful dialogue. There's a lot of good work we can do here...”  
  
Aradia glared at her from the doorway. She wasn't sure why, but she was starting to realise that if this went on much longer she was simply going to have to kill Vriska.  
  
Karkat opened his eyes wearily. He could see the metal plated ceiling above him, and his view was framed by the concerned faces of his friends looking down at him. Sollux was scanning him and shook his head.  
  
Feferi reached down to help him sit up.  
“Karkat? Are you alive?”  
Karkat moaned and held his head. Something felt very different somehow. Eridan nudged Sollux and nodded at the scanner.  
“So? Uw-what did it get out of him?”  
“Oh no,” Sollux breathed, “Kar? How do you feel?”  
Eridan nudged him impatiently, “uw-what happened? Uw-what did it do?”  
“Kar! Anthwer me!”  
  
They all backed away as Karkat got to his feet and dusted himself down. He just stared at them, thoughtfully.  
“Can he hear us?” Fereri hissed.  
“Of courthe, he'th not gone deaf,”  
“Uw-well uw-why ain't he answerin' us then?”  
“It lookth like the creature took hith-”  
“I'm fine!” Karkat shouted, “thanks for...” he trailed off suddenly.  
  
They all looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to finish the sentence. When he did not Eridan scrabbled at the scanner, trying to interpret the results while Sollux batted at his hands ineffectually. Feferi hefted her bazookoid and handed Karkat his own.  
“Come on everyone, we'd better get moving.”  
“Right, let'th head for the-”  
  
“....asking!” Karkat suddenly shouted. They all stopped and stared at him again.  
“It'th the creature,” sighed Sollux, “look.”  
He held out the scanner and they all looked at what it said.  
Feferi blinked, “it took his punctuality?”  
  
Punctuality of course is one of the four primary troll emotions, typically depicted as sitting beneath doubt on the emotional grid and diagonally opposite revenge. The superior troll mind is, of course, unfathomable to any weak and miserable human observer who might theoretically want to know about such a thing, but suffice it to say that a great many conflicts in troll history have involved a fundamental failing of punctuality on the part of one or other of the combatants. In fact punctuality, or the lack thereof, is generally seen as one of the few forces of peace and co-operation in troll culture, as many wars have been avoided when one side or the other failed to show up on time at all.  
  
Suddenly with a hiss of static their communicators all buzzed into life at once, and Tavros' voice came through the speakers.  
“Everyone converge on level Geldof, we've got a sighting! We're pursuing it now, everyone watch out!”  
There was a click, followed by Kanaya's voice.  
“Understood. We're already there, it must be heading for us.”  
Sollux looked up grimly and checked his bazookoid, “let'th go, no time to-”  
“How long was I out for?” Karkat interrupted.  
“That'th gonna get old real thoon Kar.”  
Karkat looked like he was about to say something. They waited. Eventually they gave up and trudged off, with Karkat following awkwardly.  
  
In the depths of the complex Gamzee, Kanaya, Aradia and Vriska huddled behind a crude barricade made from an upturned lab bench. The door to the laboratory was the only entrance or exit,a nd they had their bazookoids primed and ready.  
“It's coming,” Aradia whispered.  
“How do you know?” Kanaya asked.  
“It just... you know, it feels like it's coming.”  
“Right.”  
“Well I think,” said Vriska, “that we've got just about enough time to organise a charitable event in aid of integrating nightmarish genetic weapons into society.”  
Kanaya glanced at Aradia wearily then turned to face Vriska.  
“I think,” she said, “that is quite possibly the most ridiculous, ill-judged and stupid idea that anyone has ever had. I don't just mean anyone here, on the asteroid, I mean anyone ever. There has been no worse idea nor ever shall there be, from this time to the end of times. That's how bad an idea it is. In fact I would rather sit here and tell you exactly how bad your idea is then watch the door- I am literally risking my life in order to make you realise just how think-pan meltingly awful your statement was.”  
Vriska contemplated this, puffing on her pipe thoughtfully.  
“I believe,” she stated, “that I can sense some hostility?”  
  
Beside them, Gamzee had been shaking and shivering the whole time. Suddenly he grabbed up his bazookoid, cocking it with a vicious flick of his wrist.  
“That's it!” He shouted, “I can't fuckin' take this any more! I'm going out there!”  
“Gamzee, no!” Aradia grabbed his shoulder, “I know it's hard just sitting here waiting, but we have to stick together!”  
“The waiting is fuckin' aces, I love waiting, I can't stand bein' around you guys any more!”  
  
He vaulted over the table and ran for the door before they could stop him. He charged out of the room firing wildly, and through the empty doorway they could see flickering shadows of the clown illuminated in bazookoid blasts.  
“Come get some, mother fuckerrrr!”  
The other three glanced around at each other as the firing ceased suddenly.  
“Oh hey, guys, you have to see this,” Gamzee called from down the corridor, “I totally just found a pie!”  
  
All three of them shot to their feet at once and yelled for him to get away from it, but it was too late The doorway was filled with a vicious red glow and the corridor echoes to the dismayed cries of a clown. The three remaining members of the team stopped when Kanaya held up a hand.  
“It's right out there,” she said, “be careful.” Then she called out, “Gamzee? Are you there?”  
  
There was a moan from somewhere, and the sound of someone trying to get up and falling over.  
  
“Gamzee?” Kanaya glanced fearfully at the others, “can you hear me?”  
“Yes, yes I- ow! I tripped! Argh!” There was a clatter of objects being knocked over.  
“What happened to you?” Aradia called.  
“I can't... I can't move without falling over!”  
“Gamzee?”  
There was a sorrowful moan, “it took all my style! All my élan, my grace!”  
They raised their weapons as a grey hand clasped at the doorframe, and he slowly came into view. Gamzee was changed, somehow. His hair was rigidly crimped close to his head like a ridiculous helmet, his teeth looked even more deranged then usual. He staggered into the room.  
“I think,” he said, “I think... I think I really need a paid of plastic sandals with matching Argyll socks.”  
They gasped. Kanaya looked like she was about to faint.  
“Does anyone have a nylon anorak with a furry hood? Maybe a pair of A-line flares with pockets in the knees?”  
Kanaya shook her head sorrowfully. “That poor, poor bastard.”  
  
And now the theoretical grid demonstrating the primary emotions of troll kind. Along with doubt, revenge and punctuality the final space on the grid is of course filled with cool, the emotion perhaps most closely treasured, yet difficult to define. Who can say what is cool? That's hard to say. Who can say what isn't cool? Pretty much anyone.  
  
Gamzee checked his bazookoid and accidentally dropped it. The machine clanked, fizzed and died.  
“Oh, bother.”  
  



	3. Chapter 3

Gamzee was roughly grabbed and hauled behind the crude barricade with the rest of his team. Aradia covered the door with her bazookoid while Vriska was drawing up a strongly worded letter of protest. Kanaya yelled into her communicator.  
“It's here it's here! We can't see it, but it's right around here somewhere! Get down here!”  
The communicator crackled into life, it was Eridan.  
“Uw-we're on the uw-way now, hold on!”  
“Where are you?”  
“Uh, we're two levels up from you I think- ah, I think uw-we lost Kar again,”  
“What? Where is he?”  
“He lost his entire emotion of punctuality! He keeps turning up right after uw-we stop lookin' for him!”  
“So stop looking for him!”  
“But, uw-we don't know uw-where he is!”  
“He'll be fine, leave him!”  
“I dunno Kan,” Eridan mused, “Kar doesn't have the uw-wily uw-where-uw-withal and uw-watchful uw-wariness of us highblood types, y'know,”  
Kanaya rolled her eyes.  
“Is there anyone else there I can talk to?”  
There was a brief muttered conversation in the background, before Sollux piped up over the communicator.  
“Thorry about that Kanaya, I'm here now,”  
“Listen, forget Karkat for now, just get down here we need help!”  
“Thuper, let'th jutht thprint thraight down therFe, thoundth like a well thought-out plan, you're thuch a thrategitht...”  
Kanaya stared at the communicator in her hand with an expression of perplexed horror.  
“We're all going to die,” she said flatly.  
“Don't worry,” said Aradia with a sigh, “you get okay with it after a while.”

Suddenly the communicator buzzed sharply and another voice came through the static. It was firm, bold and fearless. It was Tavros.  
“All right ladies listen up. You're in a sticky pickle and no mistake, so I want you to just hold on a little longer and the old rescue wagon is going to come rolling round the corner before you can say lickety-split.”  
“Tavros? Is that you?”  
“Got it in one, I'm on my way with three of the meanest, toughest alien ass-kicking hombres around- Beefy, Sticks and Colonel Meow.”  
“What are you talking about?”  
“While we were on the way down we came up with some new nicknames for the gang, it's been a crazy day but there isn't anyone in this crazy mixed-up universe I'd prefer with me when I get there to rescue everyone.”  
“Um, thankyou?”  
“Be there in a jiffy, and remember- shoot anything you see that isn't tall, ruggedly handsome and with fantastic hair. 'Cause that'll be me.”  
“I... I'll bear it in mind?”  
Kanaya clicked off the communicator and looked at the others with a despairing shrug.  
“Tavros is really...”  
“Yes,” said Aradia, “he certainly is.”  
Gamzee grinned amiably and held up a tartan-patterened thermos flask filled with diluted weak lemon drink.  
“Could I interest you ladies in some refreshment?”  
“Oh, shut up, Gamzee.”

Tavros stomped along corridors and down stairways, kicking open doors and blasting apart bulkheads with wild abandon. Behind him, Equius, Terezi and Nepeta struggled to catch up. Equius winced as another doorway suffered the wrath of Tavros.  
“Please! This will all take ages to repair!”  
“Sorry, Beefy! Needs must, and all that!” Tavros smirked as he blasted apart a section of wall for good measure.  
“Um,” Nepeta held up a hand, “What are we going to do when we get there?”  
“I think I have an idea,” Tavros tapped his chin.

They were interrupted by Eridan, Sollux and Feferi who finally caught up to them, though karkat was nowhere to be seen.  
“Tavros!”  
“Eridan my old chum! Capital to see you, about time we got some reinforcements, you old sea-sucking brine huffer!”  
“Um, uw-what?”  
“No time to shoot the breeze now, old man. We have to get together some kind of a war plan, we're about to engage the enemy in a good old game of do-or-die-and-probably-die-anyway.”  
Feferi glanced at the other members of Tavros' party, who just shrugged and gave her sheepish looks. He had been getting worse.

In fact Tavros had never felt better. He was flying, now. He could see his own glorious destiny spread out before him like a banquet for the taking, and there was no longer the slightest possibility of failure. Tavros threw an arm around Equius' brawny shoulders and beckoned to Sollux.  
“Two-Eyes! Beefy! Between the both of you I'd say you represent the technical know-how and all-round brainpan meats that we need sort this little ditty out. What say you, chaps- is there a large open area with at least two entrances somewhere down here that we can lure the beast into?”  
Equius and Sollux glanced at each other.  
“Beefy?”  
“Two-Eyes?”  
“New nicknames, no time to go into it now though boys, what have you got for me?”  
“Oh! Oh!” Eridan held up a hand lamely, “do me! Uw-what's my nickname?”  
“Oyster Boy,” said Tavros without hesitating, “what say you clam up a moment while we get our ducks in a row?”  
Sollux frowned, “what about the generator room?”  
Equius shook his head, “too much sensitive equipment, couldn't risk an explosion,”  
“Thecondary heat exchanger?””  
Equius perked up, “ah! The secondary heat exchanger occupies a long room with catwalks high up, how does that sound to you?”  
Tavros clapped them both on the shoulders, “perfect, knew you wouldn't let me down. Now, everyone listen up- here's the plan....”

Tavros explained what he wanted them to do. As ridiculously dangerous as it sounded, the plan was basically sound, and it was better then anything anyone else had come up with. They agreed, and then the groups split up again to move into position.

Shortly after they all departed, Karkat showed up.  
“I'm here I'm here! Did you-”  
He looked around, alone.  
“Well. Fuck.”  
With a sigh he jogged onward.

From over the barricade where they hid. In the flickering gloomy light, she saw some great shapeless mass, wreathed in shadow, slurp its way into the door frame. She shouldered her weapon and was about to open fire when there was a crackle of bazookoid fire from down the corridor. The creature hesitated and then fled, alarmed, chased shortly after by Sollux and Eridan.  
“Come on!” Eridan yelled, “uw-we've got to chase it!”

The secondary heat exchanger was a large, warehouse-like space filled with low, bulky items of machinery. The hall was no longer in use, and the machines were all silent. There was one way into it from level Geldof, and if the others did their job the creature would be chased through that opening and into the open. Opposite the entrance and high up on a catwalk, Tavros, Nepeta and Terezi got into position, with Nepeta helping Terezi aim her weapon.

“Right, slight change of plan,” said Tavros.  
Nepeta looked around at him sharply, “what!”  
“Not that I don't trust you girls to do a bang-up job up here, but we can't risk that thing getting away. That's why I want you to yell out at the thing from here and lure it in- I'm going to hide down there, and when it's past the doorway I'll hit the switch to close off the doorway.”  
“Wait, how will we get out?”  
“Over there-” Tavros pointed some way down the catwalk where a set of steps went down to a small engineering elevator at floor level, “blast the thing to jiggery- then I want you two to get in that elevator and get out.”  
“What about you, though?”  
“Simple- either that thing dies, or else we're both trapped in here together. Just flood the room with acid or something.”  
“But, but you'll die!”  
Tavros reached out and cupped Nepeta's cheek in his hand, “that's just the chance you take, when you sign on the dotted line at the bottom of that little old piece of paper that says 'gosh darned iron-bulged hero.'”  
By now both Nepeta and Terezi were staring at him and staring in his general direction, dumbfounded.

Terezi finally spoke, “that's the stupidest brave thing I ever heard, or the bravest stupid thing.”  
“That's nice of you to say, Sticks, but the clock's ticking and I need to meet up for a date with destiny, take it to a nice place for dinner and show it a damn hard Rogering in the back of a four-wheel machine.”

There was a crackle of fire, and a strange wet farty scream, and the sound of something heavy approaching the hall. Tavros leaned on the catwalk railing and squinted.  
“Right, it's coming. No time to argue. Remember, you have to lure it all the way in here so I can trap it. Do whatever you can to get its attention!”  
“I...” Nepeta gritted her teeth.  
“We'll do our best!” Terezi grinned.  
Tavros grinned and favoured them with a wink as he ran a hand through his hair luxuriantly.  
“Poke me a critter, I'll be back for troll-breakfast!”

He vaulted over the rail, metal legs a-gleaming, landing neatly atop a machine and made his way stealthily around the edge of the room. Nepeta sighed.  
“What a guy,”  
“I know,” said Terezi, “after all this is over I'm climbing that like an ascending-rung-device.”  
Nepeta glared at her.

The creatrue shambled, rolled, oozed and skittered away from the advancing trolls, who spattered the walls, floors and ceilings with bazookoid-fire, driving it on. Behind the party, Gamzee was fumbling with the zip of a rather fetching anorak he had managed to get from somewhere, while Vriska was pausing only to put up posters bearing the mild, vaguely disdainful slogans of B.O.N.E.B.U.L.G.E.

As the creature emerged into the light of the secondary heat exchanger hall, it's psychic attention was immediately drawn by the morsels shouting and yelling from the distance. Nepeta and Terezi were jumping up and down and yelling incoherently at it. The creature had been wounded already, it needed to feed and sustain itself. With a guttural roar it leaped forwards.

Tavros ducked out from behind the bulk of an unused machine and hit the controls for the bulkhead, which slammed down with a crash. The creature turned around to loom over the grinning, fearless troll.  
“Looks like it's just you and me now, chief. Time to-”  
With that, the creature slapped Tavros aside like an irritating bug and turned back around to seek out the others. 

Nepeta shrieked and fired wildly, and Terezi joined her in an orgy of destruction- but the creature shifted and flowed across the floor, adopting form after form and making a nearly impossible target.  
“No good!” Nepeta yelled, “what do we do?”  
“Get out of here, come on!” Terezi grabbed her, and Nepeta guided her to the stairs. It was too late, though. Even as they started down the stairs they saw, at the bottom step, the massed fleshy bulk of the creature blocking the way to the engineering elevator. The thing slithered and drooled, it seemed to know they were trapped.  
Terezi grabbed at Nepeta's arm, “is that what I think I hear it is?”  
“Um, yes,”  
“Then, before we go, there's something I want to say.”  
“What is it?”  
“I always thought you were okay.”  
“Okay?”  
“Yes. Not... great. But, okay.”  
“Thanks, I guess...”

The engineering elevator doors suddenly hissed open and the creature span. Standing in the opening with bazookoid cocked was Karkat. He gasped in terror at the sight before him and squeezed the trigger reflexively.

The blasts of short-range bazookoid fire staggered the creature, blowing chunks of matter from it. From the stair behind it Nepeta and Terezi took the opportunity and opened fire again. The beast reared up, roared- and exploded.

Karkat, covered in vile ichor and exploded flesh-lumps, looked up at the others in disgust and horror.  
“Took the elevator,” he gasped, “didn't want to be late.”

Later, after they had rested, cleaned up and recovered their senses the trolls met in the laboratory meeting area. Those who had been attacked by the creatures were suffering horrible headaches, but seemed otherwise none the worse for wear.  
“Well,” Kanaya sighed, “do you all remember what you did after you were attacked?”  
“I don't want to,” Gamzee moaned, still trying to tease a recalcitrant bowl-cut into his customary wild mess of hair, “I ain't never livin' it down.”  
“Vriska?”  
In the corner, a scowling Vriska just made an obscene gesture at them all. Off to the side, Aradia smiled a little, all was well.

Karkat just moaned and rubbed at his head.  
“It was so weird... all my punctuality just... gone!”  
Sollux was examining him with the scanner as he spoke, and nodded.  
“Well, you're all right now. Ath normal ath you are going to get.”  
“Huh.”

The conversation died down. Almost as one, all of the trolls in the room slowly turned to glance at Tavros who was sitting neatly with his hands clasped before him on the meeting table. He looked up.  
“Uh, yes?”  
“What about it,” said Karkat harshly, “you still got any of that no-doubt self-congratulating unspeakably insufferable bullshit mojo left?”  
“Um. I don't... maybe? I don't think so, but, I might?”  
“I think that answers that.”  
“I guess,” Tavros sighed and got up. “Oh well, nice while, you know, it lasted. I'm going to get some rest.”

He got up and wandered over to the door slowly. As it opened he paused and turned. He glanced at the others, and made a beckoning motion.  
“Um, bitches?”

Ten minutes later, Karkat just sat and stared into space. Gamzee sidled up and sat next to him, massaging his shoulders amiably.  
“What's the matter, man?”  
“Well,” sighed Karkat, “I wasn't expecting them all to go after him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Blare of electric guitar as screen cuts to black)


End file.
